NOT! Candidate Material

For a number of reasons which would result in embarrassing revelations (mostly embarrassing to my campaign lackeys) during any political campaign I would never be able to run for something as basic as a county tax surveyor or a taquito representative, let alone the President of the USA.


First off; I've done more drugs than Bill Clinton and Obama combined and multiplied by some amount...maybe not as much as Bush II, but only the CIA knows that for sure.


Secondly; I'm not very sensitive to peoples particular self chosen social choices.


Also, I'm overtly Socialist. And as we all know now Socialists are Nazi Communist Muslim Terrorists.


I advocate public drunkeness coupled with drunken bike riding. I figure if I'm going to rapidly travel while smashed I'll risk killing only myself. I do however greatly solicit against public jock drunkeness.


Also, unlike Tiger, I couldn't wait for the Ping deal to come through before building my harem.


I think clubbing baby seals is actually a really good punchline to most jokes.


I think everyone should have to pass a test to breed, even with the idea that I more than likely wouldn't have passed that test.


My answer to most problems are whiskey and stabbing.



Finally, I really, honestly and completely just hate everyone...and when I mean hate everyone...I mean anyone who would vote for me and who wouldn't. My inaugural speech would probably consist of me giving everyone the finger and telling them they can all go fuck themselves and...